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Raps and Rings
“What a crazy day this has been!”
Frances was talking to herself again, and this time her cat had taken notice. It was only 4pm. Maybe the craziness wasn’t over yet?
Just home from work, she settled in and heated up leftovers for dinner. Waiting for her meal there was a rapping upon her chamber door. You may recall what Fitzgerald said about raps. Do not answer these raps. Just ignore them. But Frances declined the wisdom and got up from her dinner.
You see, given the way her workday had gone, Frances had a hunch who was at the door. It was her crazy Russian neighbor dropping by to tell Frances that there was a major sewage leak and everyone’s shit was flooding the street… and just what in the hell had Frances been eating lately anyway?
But nope. Instead of a shit warning it was two guys from AT&T selling U-Verse to the masses. Frances listened to their spiel and heard herself agreeing to buy. She was soon to be entertained by U-Verse.
U-Verse.
Can you believe that?
Also, Frances invented a new saying: When taking a plunge only a fool takes a plunge into shallow waters. So she went all out and purchased the extra large U-Verse deluxe bundle package.
She hoped to speed up the proceedings by not inviting the AT&T employees inside. Once inside, they’d want to sit down. Once they sat down she'd have to offer them water. Once they were sitting down with water, they’d go into lounge mode. Once in lounge mode….
So instead, she politely kept them standing just outside her front door through the entire process of the sale. They talked. They made calls. They filled out forms. Signing up for U-Verse was apparently BIG TIME. The sun beamed down. Mother Nature can halt in her tracks, we got a U-Verse customer here.
They talked some more. Made more calls. They had Frances fill out forms.
By the goddam time they finally left, the sun was down and her dinner was cold. She tossed it out. It had been leftovers. How many times can you keep reheating food?
So Frances gathered the bread, mustard, cheddar and a plump tomato. By now she was damn near shaky with hunger. She assembled a hefty sandwich that was maybe thick enough to be bullet proof.
“Well okay, Smoky, maybe it’s not bullet proof,” she said to the cat, “but it’s at least BB proof.”
Smoky said, “Yow?”
“That’s right,” she said. “A block of cheddar could probably stop anything.”
Smoky did not disagree.
Frances sat down on the couch. She took a bite of the sandwich. Good sandwich! Good cheese. Good mustard. Good bread. Good tomato. Good combo. She took another bite. Mmm. Good bread. Good—
And that was when the phone rang.
Frances checked the caller ID and saw a 1-800 number. Ah ha. Remembering how the pair of AT&T bozo's had said to expect a telephone survey, Frances figured that was who was making her phone ring. Once again ignoring the old wisdom she swallowed cheese and mustard and tomato and bread and pressed the TALK button.
But it was not AT&T.
It was a recorded female voice announcing this message:
“THIS IS AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM SAM’S CLUB. OUR RECORDS SHOW THAT YOU PURCHASED TWO LOAVES OF MILTON’S WHOLE GRAIN BREAD FROM YOUR LOCAL SAM’S CLUB WITHIN THE PAST FOUR WEEKS. THIS MESSAGE IS TO WARN YOU THAT MILTON’S WHOLE GRAIN BREAD IS BEING RECALLED DUE TO FOREIGN BODIES HAVING ENTERED THE BREAD. DO NOT CONSUME THIS OR ANY CONTAMINATED PRODUCT. YOU ARE URGED TO RETURN THIS PRODUCT TO SAM’S CLUB FOR A FULL REFUND OF YOUR PURCHASE. THIS IS A RECORDED MESSAGE FROM SAM’S CLUB. OUR RECORDS SHOW THAT YOU PURCHASED TWO….”
Frances was stuck in mid-chew. Good sandwich? Good bread?
Was this really happening?
She knew one goddam thing. Tomorrow it would be salad. Or pizza. Or tacos. That was, of course, assuming she was not food poisoned right now.
She set the remainder of her BB proof sandwich down.
Perhaps it was simply her turn to endure a night of no sleep and much toilet.
“Dear neighbor,” she said, “may there be no leaks.”
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